I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
