I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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