absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
