Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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