Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
