i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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