I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
