You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
