when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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