last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
