Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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