Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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