How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize