my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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