a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
