you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
two words: eviction party
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
