I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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