you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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