a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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