Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
