This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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