I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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