It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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