i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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