Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
