i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
