FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
