when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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