I think I won the penis lottery.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
