Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
