Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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