my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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