one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize