Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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