why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
