And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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