watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
