turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
