I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
