woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
