please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
