sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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