I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
