real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
