Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
