We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
