I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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