I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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