the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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