I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
