why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
