i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
