I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
