dude i'm inner monologue high
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
