Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize