Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Welp...herpes.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
